I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
