my soul wont recognize me after tonight
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
love makes seman taste better
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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