dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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