either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
