sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
