The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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