you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I will pee on everything he values.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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