so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
