Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
