We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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