mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
