I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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