so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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