I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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