um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
