If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
