I wish I could punch you in the face.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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