yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
