I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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