mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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