The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize