so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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