I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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