Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
