I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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