I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize