she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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