Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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