i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
