brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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