my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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