TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
