I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
