best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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