It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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