We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
