Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
