1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
