It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
