if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
