I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
