Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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