People in love make me want to vomit
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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