I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
