and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You took a bar mat shot.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
