I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
