why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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