sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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