I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
