What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
