My liver just broke up with me...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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