I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize