You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
