I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
