Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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