i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
