I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She's the barista slut.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
